Fucking Grief

There are days when I’m perfectly fine and then there are days when I feel so fucking heavy I’m not sure how I’m actually still moving.

It’s as though a fog takes over my entire body. It comes and it sits with me for the entire day and maybe the next day. Who knows really because the thing I’m learning about grief is that it doesn’t follow a pattern. There are no rules for grief. No time limits. No warnings.

Instead it does what it wants. It shows up when it feels like it and as much as I would love to push it all away because that seems easier, I’m slowly but surely beginning to recognize when griefs knocking on my door.

I’ve never in my entire life felt a pain that compares to this one. The hole in my heart fucking aches somedays for this sweet girl.

Grief isn’t anything anyone asks for just like cancers not anything anyone asks for. I don’t get stuck in the why mode because that’s wasted energy. I fully accept lots of this terrible situation.

But if I’m being completely honest last year I was on survival mode. I was in the process of losing so many things at the same fucking time. My marriage was ending, I had a horrible accident that left me with a fractured septum and emergency surgery to remove my 2 front teeth while I was wide awake. And at the the very same time my best friend had just told me that her cancer was terminal.

What the fuck?!?!?

Seriously I don’t know how I survived all of that but I can tell you this, I am only now beginning to process all that I was feeling at that time because I was numb and I was just doing whatever I had to do to make it through.

I wasn’t thinking about what was going on in my life I was just surviving. And now my life’s in a completely different place again. I was lucky enough to be comforted by the arms of the my husband last night. And grieving with arms around you is a much better feeling then doing it all alone. I still have a longing for something that I’ll never have again.

I won’t stay in the dark forever, but If I could give you one piece of advice to help someone that’s grieving, it would be to simply sit in the dark with them.

Don’t try to fix it or wish their feelings away. Simply hold space for them to feel all that they need to feel and to know that you love them through the process.

Listen to them because grief makes you feel like your a bother and that no one cares or understands.

Show up for them with a present, a dinner, a text message. Just do anything you can to let them know that their feelings are normal. Help them be still. Help them feel what they need to feel. Hold space for your friends in pain if you can do that for them.

And if they need to be alone give them that time, just don’t let let them sink into their abyss forever.

Everything in moderation and balance for our hearts.

I know that today my heart hurts for what I miss, but on most days I’m celebrating and smiling and sharing the beautiful memories we shared together.

I miss you

💜 Tay Tay


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