Dear Ones I’ve missed writing and I miss you. I’ve been changing my life over here for the last 2 and 1/2 years and it’s not been easy. However it’s been enlightening and it’s also been eye opening.
You see when you grow up like I did without much love, you learn things all wrong. I didn’t even know what love was because I’ve never really seen it between 2 people. I’ve seen control, desperation, manipulation, co-dependency, shaming, blaming, and a shit ton of screaming and yelling and crying without anything every actually being fixed. I’ve seen people live together without any real intimacy or teamwork or oneness. I’ve seen a shit ton of adults in miserable relationships that stay because they don’t know any better and they call it love.
I myself am guilty of staying in many one sided half assed relationships for too long. I thought I had the best friends, best family, and the best life until I started doing one thing, and then it all came crashing down.
But I’d do it all over again. You see, as it turns out I always gave more then others were willing to give. My relationships were unbalanced and it was my fault that it was happening. I often felt like I was being taken advantage of, but because I’m an empath I just thought that’s how it was always going to be. But then I learned about boundaries and I read a lot of books and I updated all of my blueprints. All of my unconscious ways of thinking, became conscious ways of being.
And as I decided to chose myself instead of everyone else I began to see people with a new set of lenses. Instead of only seeing the good and making excuses for their behaviors I just stepped back and I watched. Words of affirmation used to be my love language until the people I trusted the most used their words to hurt me or to lie to me. I just shut up and watched everyone. If their actions and words didn’t match they had to go.
I am co-dependent no more, and I am teaching kids and adults how to choose themselves first. I am going to be teaching more and more on this topic because it’s so misunderstood and harmful to ourselves.
Simply put, anytime you do not say what you need or what you want, because you think your responsible for someone else’s feelings your being co-dependent.
If you walk in your house and you see your partners in a bad mood, so you suppress your feelings to deal with their feelings it’s co-dependent.
If your mom is in a bad mood or has a headache and she yells at you, it’s not your fault. She’s 100% responsible for her own feelings, moods and reactions.
If you cannot express your truest self and all of your feelings then those are not your people. I quit saying what I thought I should say and I started telling the truth.
If I can’t have a real conversation with you then I don’t need you in my life. Real and fake cannot exist together in the same space. They are polar opposites and those who have much to hide about themselves don’t like Authenticity. The light often shines right into their deepest darkest corners and they don’t want that.
If I have to filter my highest self or my lowest self in any with with you, then we will not be together anymore. I am not responsible for your feelings, thoughts, actions or behaviors. I stopped trying to fix everyone and I fixed my fucking self. I’ve done the work and while no one in my family gets it, my new friends certainly do. Because they are on the same self love healing journey.
Yes! It’s been really lonely at times and fucking heart wrenching, I’d do it all over again. Because for the first time in my entire life, I can be me. No pretending, no avoiding, no alcohol, no filter, no judgment, no apologies, and no one trying to control me.
And here’s the best part. I have friends who are loyal to me for the first time ever. They have my back instead of talking behind my back. They tell me who and what is going on instead of being one of the ones who confuse the hell out of me. They have boundaries and I’m never confused as to where we stand. I’ve created a space where people can come and be themselves, and I’ve only been able to do that by being myself. We tell the truth even if it hurts.
I don’t do anything anymore because I feel sorry for you! I can’t put you first because I’m important and I matter. That’s a big fat no no! I spent too many years doing shit for people that would never do that stuff for me. And that’s all part of the lesson though.
When you love you it’s all going to change. Your going to have a dark night of the soul where you lose it all. But if you walk through the darkness of your own shadows you will find your light on the other side.
The worlds a shifting and not everyone is healing. But I’m here for those who want to walk through fire and become the Divine Beings they were sent here to be.