Learning to embrace the darkest year of my life is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do

As I’m sitting on my couch this morning drinking my coffee reflecting on all that I’ve been through during the last year I wasn’t sure how to end my year with a blog.

What can I possibly write about when I’ve learned and experienced so much darkness this year.

How can I grow from the darkness and why didn’t it consume me all together?

But the more I thought the more confused I became so I decided to feel my way through this blog instead of thinking my way through it.

I’m going to be honest with you and tell you that I don’t like the darkness so I naturally try to avoid it. I mean who really wants to sit with their misery and feel all those yucky feelings?

I spent my entire life avoiding pain and hiding from hurts so when I challenged myself to feel the pain that I was currently experiencing, it took me to a whole new level inside myself.

It took me to the core of my soul and it threatened to destroy every single thing that I knew and loved. Losing my best friend, has left me with a void in my life like I’ve never ever known before.

I don’t know how to do this life without her and some days I sit and I cry for her. While other days I smile and remember all of the fun times we had together.

The dark sucks friends! There’s absolutely no way around it. The darkness comes to mold you and to shape you for the future. It’s when the most fertile soil is being placed into your soul.

When you want to quit but you find the strength to keep going then this is where you will begin to find your light again.

Perhaps it’s flickering at times and it’s barely illuminated, but as long as you rest your tired soul it won’t ever go out completely.

I know that it’s hard and that it sucks big time right now, but I need you to feel it if you want to heal it.

That means you can’t ever feel the good unless you feel the bad. You’ve got to learn to feel if you want to love. You’ve got to stop controlling and manipulating your life through the lens of fear.

2019 brought more darkness to my life then I’ve ever known before. It tried to break me over and over again. My faith and my heart went through more then I humanly knew what to do with, but somehow I’m still here.

I’m still loving harder and stronger then I ever did before.

I will make 2020 the most magical year ever because I understand what a gift this life truly is.

💜 Tay Tay

Just like Job I was tested but I didn’t fail!

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