A look inside my grieving mind

Today I had a moment! An episode! A spell! Whatever it is that we want to call grief. And as I’m trying to decide what to write my blog about today I decided I would just take you inside my heart and my head today.

Because it’s the only way that I know how to help you understand what someone else is going through.

I myself have a shit ton of problems with grief because it so fucking sad and the pain is often unbearable. Who wants to feel sad? Or be in pain?

I often find myself trying to push grief away instead of learning to embrace it.

This morning I’m sitting on the couch and I’m drinking my coffee and wishing everyone a happy birthday on Facebook. Right after I’m done with my birthday wishes I switch over to check my memories that occurred on this day. This is what I do every single morning.

This morning as I clicked on my memories I found one from my best friend Renee’.

And I was immediately like good morning beautiful angel of mine. I see that your blessing me with your presence today I’m thankful and blessed for it.

And I was too! I get so excited when I find messages like this from her. It makes me feel closer to her and it reminds me that she’s always going to be in my heart.

And then my husband came and sat down beside me and I said to him “Look at what I was blessed with this morning!” Still feeling really happy at this moment, and then as I read it out loud to him I literally lost my shit.

I went from being thankful to crying in a hot second. It was that fucking fast I shit you not. Boom!

I was a happy girl feeling thankful that turned into a blubbering mess, consumed by so much pain that I didn’t even try to blink the tears away this time. I’m like damn!!!!!! I’m never going to get another new message from her on my wall ever again and it was debilitating.

It cut me to my core! It hurt my whole heart not just the part that’s missing her, but the whole thing. And as I’m sitting there I’m thinking to myself “It’s going to be one of those days.”

And this is the truth about grief! This is how fast it sneaks up on you and pulls up a chair 🪑 to hang out for the day or the week.

There’s no rhyme or reason and there’s absolutely no warning as to when it’s coming. And there’s also no news as to when it’s going away either.

So if I could give you any advice at all it would be to carve out more alone time in the days when your feeling really sad. Honor the sadness and the loss that exists because it’s real and some days just hurt more then others.

Don’t judge yourself when your sad because we’re all sad sometimes! Just learn to be ok with not being ok on some days.

And know that tomorrow’s a new day. We are all grieving in someway or another so be patient and kind to everyone because you’ll never truly know how much pain someone might be in at any given moment.

Missing you comes in waves and today I’m drowning

I never know when it’s coming but if you ever see me and I’m having an off day I hope you use eyes full of empathy and not eyes full of sympathy.

💜Tay Tay

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