I’m doing the best I can

After 5 weeks with no front teeth I couldn’t be happier to have my smile back. It’s not the real deal but it’s exactly what I needed to get me through.

Losing my teeth is only a small fraction of what comes along with this season. I’m hard pressed at every single corner and there are days when one minute I’m so freaking happy and the next minute there’s a bunch of drama occurring out of my control.

The strength that it takes to do what I’m doing is not easy at all. It’s easier to live your life on auto pilot and pretend your happy when in fact you haven’t felt seen or loved or understood in years.

Losing my teeth while also moving out of my house and moving in with my mom has been a lot all at once. In fact I moved in here on Thursday and that very next day I had my accident.

Like why?!?!?!?!?!?

What’s the purpose of all this?!?!?!?!

There are times when I am brave and I am strong and there are other times when I’m mad and I’m weak and I feel like no one understands.

I am human and while I’ve learned to live in the now I’ve never experienced what I’m going through. Its

My first time and I’m doing the best that I know how to do.

It’s not like it’s all about heart break although that’s part of it.

It’s more like it’s about how hard it is to be me right now. How I wish sometimes that I wasn’t an empath and that I didn’t feel so much because then it would make all of this a whole lot easier.

I could dodge all negative energy and attack’s from the enemy without ever flinching. But I don’t know how to not feel so deeply or love so fiercely.

I don’t know how to not be myself and wear my heart on my sleeve and tell it like it is. I don’t know how to not be me because I’ve fought so hard to truly love who I am.

And even in the middle of this mess there are times when I am overwhelmed with it all. I feel as though I keep sacrificing and giving and doing the right things and none of it matters.

At the same time I feel defeated I also feel glorious. I am strong and I am weak. I am brave and I am afraid. I am the light and I am the dark. I am the victim and I am the warrior.

There are so many things that I’m not “aloud” to write about right now and that In itself is another thing I’ve been stripped of. But I still write about it, I just won’t publish it until much later.

It took me many years to find my voice again and I’ll use it even when it shakes. This is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my entire life.

I don’t know how or why my accident happened. I also have no clue how I will afford all of what’s to come. So far I’m at $6600 for my surgery and yesterday’s work.

And my implants are going to be around $13,000. And yes my insurance will cover about 30% of that, I hope which will leave me with with about $10,000 worth of dental bills that I’ll have to pay out of my own pocket plus whatever’s not covered from the first one.

Thank god for my credit card because without it I’d be toothless. You see how hard it is to be excited? I just wanted to enjoy yesterday and getting my smile back, and I did, but I also had a shit ton of worry come my way.

If you want to help someone who’s going through a mess like I’m going through, sometimes you just need to be there for them.

I don’t always need to be in a good mood.

I don’t always need you to tell me I’m still pretty with no teeth.

I don’t always need you to worry about me because my own fears are strong enough right now.

I don’t need you to make it go away.

Some days I need you to see me, to listen to me and to understand me. Don’t say anything in fact just be with me where ever I am. Just let me feel what I need feel at that moment.

I won’t feel that way always because our feelings are temporary and thank God for that. But some days I need a different kind of love and a different kind of support.

And some days I need my ass kicked it’s true. My current situation is not my final destination this I understand, but that’s not making it any easier.

I will continue to fight the good fight and I will never give up. But I will be real with you.

I will tell you as much as I can now and the rest will come out later. I never know what each day will bring, but I can tell you this I stopped asking what’s next because I never like the answer.

I’ll figure it out and I’ll make it work just like I have my entire life. 💜

This is the first Christmas Eve in 14 years I will spend without my daughter, but if means I’m creating a healthier living environment for her then I’ll sacrifice it all over again.

I’m going to get to spend lots of time exclusively in my house starting tomorrow and that makes me happy and it also gives my mom a little break as well.

Today I might seem really sad and that’s ok because tomorrow will be different. Meet me where I am that’s all that I need.

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