Life has a way of testing your will

As I was sitting on the couch with my best friend yesterday having a heart to heart with her I realized how lucky I was to have her in my life.

After talking to her I always feel better and it helps to have someone who understands my entirely messy but authentic soul.

As I was explaining to her all that I was going through I began to see how much this whole situation has affected my spirit.

I feel the need to share what’s going on inside my head right now instead of what’s going on inside my heart.

Many times when someone is in pain we are unable to sit with them in it. We often times make comments that don’t make the person suffering feel any better, but it makes us feel better.

We need to learn how to be still with people and not to downplay their struggles with silly comments that come from our mouths that are on autopilot.

Sometimes people DON’T need you to try to make them feel better. They need you to be compassionate and to not dismiss them. They need you to be quiet and to see them.

Empathy and compassion are not the same as feeling sorry for someone. Feeling sorry for someone is absolutely pitiful and it doesn’t do them any good at all. In fact feeling sorry for someone basically says “awwwww poor you, but I’m so glad it’s not me.”

Does that sound like love?

My emotional IQ surpasses most because I’m an empath and I can read your energy before you even open up your mouth.

I understand people and I understand vulnerability and now I’m going to help you understand so much of what your not seeing.

Last week I had an accident. I had to have emergency dental surgery because I have a fractured septum and my teeth were busted and now removed. I was awake during the entire surgery and it’s been a very traumatic experience all the way around.

I’m guessing that I was in complete and total shock, which is why I didn’t completely shut down and lose it all together.

The adrenaline rush kept me going, until it was completely over. I remember every single part of it until the ride home. The last thing I remember is my sister stopping at Walmart so my mom could run in and get some Ensure for my belly. I had to take ibuprofen and I needed something in my stomach before I could take it.

But after that it’s a complete blank. I don’t remember the drive home from Columbus. I don’t remember walking in her house or going to bed or even what time it was.

My brain sort of had all that it could take. My body needed rest because it had been through so much. Im familiar with trauma and this one was no different.

Many of you are probably thinking that I’m having a hard time because my beauty has been taken away but you couldn’t be more wrong.

My beauty lies inside my heart and not on my face.

If you really think I’m that vain do me a huge favor and delete yourself from all of my social media, my life in general and stop creeping on my blog, like right now. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

My mouth will heal eventually and my amazing dentist promised to make my teeth prettier then he did the last time, Which I think is cray cray because the last ones he did were perfection.

So no it’s not about the way I look it’s more about the things I took for granted. It’s about the having the mental capacity to not hurt myself during the healing process. It’s about not being able to do the things I love.

Like talking and singing because those are my 2 of my favorite things in the entire world to do. And no I don’t have a pretty voice, it’s just that my music fuels my spirit and my singing makes me happy.

Its kind of like the gas that makes your car go. My mouthpiece being jacked up means so much more then looking bad.

If I didn’t have a fractured septum then I wouldn’t be in so much pain.

I can’t cough or sneeze or spit. Do you realize the determination this takes at all times to remember to not do the things you always do so naturally?

I can’t open my mouth to wide and I can’t blow my nose. Hell I can’t even touch my nose or the inside of my mouth feels like it’s shifting and like it going to fall out.

I can’t drink right and I can’t swallow right. These tasks require a shit ton of mental concentration because I don’t want to cough or choke or then I’d really be in trouble.

I can’t brush my teeth because of the no spitting so I take this little brush my friend Kris told me about and try to clean my teeth one at a time just to get some relief in there because my mouths disgusting.

I can’t stand for very long because when do I begin to feel a heartbeat in my mouth and a throbbing that makes me feel like I might pass out.

I can’t bend over because the pressure is unbearable, and bending down tends to complicate things as well.

I can’t talk on the phone very well so don’t try to call me and I had a hell of a time trying to order my daughter a sub at the drive through window the other day.

I wanted to scream at them but I couldn’t do that either.

I’m constantly on high alert when I’m around people or kids because one tiny bump to my face and it’s not going to be pretty.

I can’t do yoga which I practice daily for my mental clarity and my inner strength. I can’t do Jazzercise with my friends and I’ve been going for 10 years.

It seems as though every single thing I love to to do can’t happen right now. (Except for writing, praying and meditating thank you Jesus)

And all the things that I used to take for granted I will never take for granted again.

Like eating! I eat alone and I don’t want you around unless your my mom, my sister, my daughter, or my best friend.

I don’t think you could even fathom what I’m going through until I fully explain it to you in detail like I’ve just done.

And even now your missing lots of what goes on inside head right now. Like it’s Christmas and you have to work. But you can’t work to long because the you’ll be in pain. And you have to go to court for your divorce looking like this. And your supposed to take your daughter to a concert in 10 days, but your afraid you won’t be ready. And on and on and on.

Human beings are all the same and we all want the same things, even though we’re often to afraid to admit it.

We want to be seen.

We want to be heard and we want to be understood.

The next time you have a friend or family member that’s hurting watch the words that come out of your mouth. Watch the judgments that you so easily cast upon them when you have no idea what it’s like to be them.

Watch how often you say something thats all about you instead of about them. Learn how to sit with people when they hurt because they might truly be all that they need during this situation.

When other times your words and inspiration are what they might, this is not an always.

I’ve been blessed with lots of people who know how to show up and shut up.

I’ve been surrounded by love and by light and by those who truly see me.

But by other people I’ve often felt misunderstood, felt sorry for and pitied.

Jesus didn’t pity people he was compassionate and he was vulnerable.

If pity is your go to the you need to spend more time Jesus.

Remember these things because they are what the world needs more of.

I know that this too shall pass (a super generic blanket statement) but in the meantime it’s taking a lot out of me.

I’m strong but I’m tired πŸ’œ

My ability to be real and to be vulnerable is one of my gifts and super powers I hope you’ve learned something about yourself today.

Thank you again for donating so much money to my go fund me account. It’s helped reduce one of the many worries in my mind.

Thank you for surrounding me with light and with love and because it’s exactly what I need.

πŸ’œ Tay Tay

God bless


Peace Friends

One thought on “Life has a way of testing your will

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s