It’s a sad thing when a man has to choose between his moms needs and his wife’s needs
God comes first
Wives come second
Children come 3rd
I’ve never been a wife before so I wasn’t really sure what my role was. As I look back now over the last 20 years there were warning signs from the very beginning.
As much as I would love to just blame my husband and my MIL I am also responsible for the mess we made. I didn’t use my
Voice for many years to stand up for myself.
I didn’t set clear boundaries because I didn’t know how and I didn’t know what they meant. But as the years went on and my feelings became less validated I began to withdrawal from the family.
I knew that I loved my husband and I didn’t want to lose him, but I also knew that by staying somewhere that I wasn’t respected was making me lose myself.
One of the first examples I can ever remember of doing something that I didn’t want to do was when I had to to dedicate my daughter to his mothers church.
I’m thinking to myself
Why are we doing this?
We don’t even go to church here!
We don’t even live in this town.
I didn’t understand it then but now I understand it a lot better.
I never had a choice. My husband said we’re doing this, and that was that.
It was one of the very first times that I felt my power being taken away from me.
It was one of the very first times that I tried to understand. Even though my gut said “No Tavia, if you don’t want this then don’t do it.”
I still found myself on that stage in front of that church dedicating my only daughter to someone else’s church to make my MIL and my husband happy.
These were the first signs of co-dependency that I ignored. This very action set the tone for the next 17 years. I will share a million more stories with you because I want you to learn healthy boundaries from the beginning.
When you’ve never been a wife you don’t know what to do. Learn from my mistakes because if you don’t you might find yourself exactly where I am.
I wanted to make my husband happy but I could care less about making his mom happy. I wanted to give him the unconditional love he never received as a child and I did just that for many years.
However things never changed. As a matter of fact the more that I tried to honor my own needs and my husbands needs, the further apart we grew.
In a healthy marriage the love flows freely. The sex is amazing and the respect is never ending. In a healthy marriage conversation is the essence of love. Intimacy is the one thing I was missing in my marriage.
If your a new wife and something feels wrong to you speak up and use your voice.
If there’s any kind of triangulation going on, end it today. (Don’t know what triangulation is google it or wait for the next blog)
If the family doesn’t respect you or your feelings your going to have a really hard time convincing them otherwise. But this is where you learn to speak up.
You use your voice even when it shakes. You do what’s best for you and your family. You NEVER do anything that doesn’t serve your heart or your family, and you absolutely NEVER EVER EVER let someone else tell
That your wrong
That your crazy
That your over emotional
That your feelings don’t matter
That your overreacting
That your drama
Or that you don’t have a choice
Because you do
You have a choice
And I hope you use it to protect yourself
To protect what’s yours
To invest in the hearts that God gave you
I was told for years my feelings didn’t matter and the truth is they didn’t matter one bit to them but they matter to me 💜