Leaving wasn’t my first option, but now it’s my only option

I’m going to have to be like Ruth when it comes to my future. Do you think deciding to leave my marriage after investing 17 years with the same man was a decision I took lightly?

Because I sure as hell did not! For an entire year I sacrificed everything to make it work , to invest time and energy and give it my all because that’s what my marriage deserved.

If I’m being honest there are times that I beat myself up for trying so hard, and my family has to remind me that loving with all my heart isn’t wrong. Trying to make something better that I love is what God would want me to do, and beating myself up for loving someone isn’t the answer.

Neither is staying the same. I can’t tell you what to do if your unhappy in your relationship. I can only share my story with you and the things that my heart could no longer handle.

I’ve changed a shit ton in the last 20 years and I won’t beat myself up for the past. It’s all a part of what makes me who I am and what keeps me going day after day.

I didn’t always want my husband to be my best friend. That’s something that’s developed over the last 5 years. For many years I was ok with our relationship the way it was, but as I began to heal the broken pieces of my heart I also began to require a deeper level of intimacy.

When I took the time to look around at some of my friends and family members (the ones who’s relationships I adore) who were in love, I realized that they weren’t perfect people but that they we’re most definitely on the same team.

They were best friends that had each other’s back and they had learned the value of loyalty. They were also exhibiting the exact characteristics that the Bible had intended for marriage and love.

I also longed for my husband to understand me, to listen to me to be in the now with me. Unfortunately when I was hurt and I tried to express this to him, I was often told that I was being silly, I was wrong for feeling that way, I was over exaggerating, I didn’t have a friend who wanted to understand my heart, and it made me feel unlovable for a really long time.

A couple I truly admire is my pastor and his wife. There’s not a single service that goes by where he doesn’t praise her in front of the entire church. It could be for her beautiful music, her amazing cooking, or even for the love that she provides him.

He also has the perfect amount of humor in his presentation that keeps it real and let’s you know that he’s a human who struggles with sin just like we do. #humble

But the way he looks at her and the way she looks at him is a huge part of how you know it’s real. There’s no faking your energy and when you absolutely adore someone then no words are needed.

Once upon a time my husband looked at me like that and it felt amazing. I’m sure I looked at him like that, but now I can barely look at him at all because it just hurts to much.

You deserve to be looked at your the most precious gem in the entire world.

Our daughters watching. She’s learning what love is, what marriage really means, she’s learning to find her own voice and she’s learning how to use it. She’s watching us, seeing how we handle things. If we’re selfish or if we’re giving. If we make promises that we don’t keep, or if we’re actually trying. She’s old enough to understand people and actions and to make her own decisions about her feelings.

She’s watching us wishing we could figure it out but also hoping that she doesn’t have to hear fighting anymore. She’s living it right beside us and she’s as much a part of it as we are.

She needs us to teach her what our parents couldn’t teach us. That marriage comes first, right after God. That when 2 people get married they become a union keeping out all other intruders. And if we can’t do it different than our folks then we need to let go. The dysfunction stops here.

One day our daughters going to choose a man to love her, and her childhood will directly affect her choices in love. I want her to learn to love herself so that she might be complete on the inside before choosing a man to spend her life with.

If she truly understands her worth she will never settle for anything less.

I used to believe every single promise that my man ever made to me. I believed every thing that came out of his mouth because I loved him and I probably always will.

But as I look back over the last year the stack of IOU’S became way bigger than the promises that you he was always making to me.

The thing with us is that he was always in his head and I was always in my heart which is why we COULD have been the perfect match.

I had to learn to get out of my heart in order to move on. I had to overcome my emotions and learn to think about putting myself first again for the first time in a very long time.

If marriage were a priority, we wouldn’t be here left with a stack of IOU’S and a broken heart. If changing were important then it would have already happened. If you would take the time to heal the broken child then the adult would appear.

I’m not worried about what other people think. I’m not here to live their lives and I don’t have time to waste energy on opinions that mean nothing to me.

I care what goes on inside my own home. I care what my family thinks and feels and is experiencing. My number one priority in life is relationships and it’s always been this way.

My family taught me many things over the years. Some of the things are blessing and some them we’re not. As I’ve gotten older I’ve updated my blue prints because they were out of date and I’ve changed my values by changing my heart.

When God blesses you with an amazing wholehearted, faithful, loyal, bold, courageous, loving woman and you don’t appreciate her, then chances are your going to lose her unless you learn how to pick her.

Pick her every single day. Pick her over you career, your money, your momma, your friends or your own needs and wants. Pick her and she will always pick you.

Don’t pick her long enough and eventually she will learn to pick herself.

For many years I actually blamed myself for my husbands anger and his frustration and I even tried to help him understand it. I even believed him when he told me that I was responsible for the bars on his heart,

until…………

I learned better.

I understand both of our broken so well because we’re all the same on the inside. Humans have different fears but they all stem from the same place. We have different defense mechanisms and different addictions to avoid feelings, but underneath all the labels we are the same.

We all want to be seen

We want to be heard

We want to be understood

A lot of walking away will do your life good!

God Bless

Namaste

Peace


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