I almost find myself wanting to apologize for the changes I’ve made to my heart. I never realized that by taking the walls down I would be starting a new chapter in my life.
Emotional trauma and baggage from our childhoods leave deep wounds in our hearts and in our minds. Some of us will live with these hurts our entire lives, while others will make a choice to heal the pain.
I am both of those statements above. I held onto my pain for many years thinking it would keep me safe but all’s that it really did was help me avoid my rejection. For years I had avoided the feelings I had about my dad. I pushed him so far away that he didn’t even exist.
But as I’ve gotten older and I’ve learned more about myself and the life that God has planned for me I realized that it was time to let my guard down. The way the Bible describes marriage is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever read, and I realized I wanted this presence in my own home.
As my family and I grew in faith we became members of our long attended church. (We’ve only been going there for 10 years don’t judge)It was a Blessing that I will always hold dear to my heart. Something beautiful and sacred that the 3 of us experienced together.
Most of my life I’ve been an outlaw, a rule breaker, a non conformer, an I don’t care what you think kind of girl. I love those parts of myself but I lost them for many years, being a wife and being a mother.
I became trapped by the ideas of what other people want from me. I found myself fighting and struggling to say no to many people but I just couldn’t seem to do it.
I was caught up in the past and I was always to far ahead in the future to pay attention to what was happening now. I was in love with an idea that was going to occur ONE day but truthfully those were all lies from Satan to Keep me small.
I’m done fighting who God made me to be. I was born to lead but first I needed to accept that I was worthy enough to feel like a leader.
If I believed the outside world then I would believe that I need a college education in order to be a leader. (Lies from Satan)
If I believed the world I would think that being busy all day every day is the only way to be success (Lies from Satan)
If I believed the world I would think careers come before family and money comes before God (Lies from Satan)
If I believed the world I would continue to view myself as broken instead of glorious…….
But I don’t believe the world because the worlds lost. I no longer believe that I’m unworthy of unconditional love, I no longer listen to the lies that come from my mind because fear is a liar.
Doing what I’m doing right now is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my entire life. Don’t think for one second I’ve got it all figured out because I don’t and won’t.
I’ve never ended a marriage before,
I’ve never been in a relationship with the same person for 20 years before,
And I sure as hell never saw myself here in a million years
But I can tell you this 💜
Gods plan is always better then my plan
His love for me is the reason I’m able to leave
Please know that you are never alone when it comes to pain and suffering and feelings of unworthiness, and that you when it’s time to heal the pain the light will shine through you beautiful souls.
Please pray from my family as we continue on this journey 💜 all of us