The pain of a broken heart is real

I’ve been with the same man for 20 years. I dedicated my entire life to being faithful to him. To supporting all of his endeavors over the years. I loved this man more then I’ve ever loved anyone in my entire life.

My heart is in the process of shattering because the pain is so unbelievably hard. I’m 100% an empath who’s loved him with all my heart all my life.

I’m confused, hurt, scared, angry, disappointed and all together I’m on an awful rollercoaster ride. It’s as though everything I believed was never true.

It’s as though my husband tells me one thing and tells everyone else something else. I never imagined that he could ever hurt me the way that he is.

One minute I find a love note hidden inside my coffee and I’m immediately in love again. How sweet of him. How well written and from the heart. I can’t tell you how much this made my heart explode.

I can’t tell you how many times I believed these exact words because I believed in him more then anyone else in his entire life.

I was willing to sacrifice many things for the love of my life and I never texted or talked to another man our entire marriage.

But as I continue to find out more things about my husband I find it impossible to breathe. The pain and the betrayal that comes from these interactions with woman of the opposite sex are things I never imagined from my husband. I couldn’t even fathom that he would do this to me in a millions years.

Instead of reaching out to our pastor, or to our neighbors who have the most beautiful marriage I find out that he’s using women to help make him feel better.

He hasn’t cried once in our home but he cries at work in the office of another woman. He doesn’t reach out to the men in our church instead he texts a second woman about our marriage. Now the pain of the texts are one thing because he lied about it.

But the pain that comes from the ladies he’s choosing to talk to is the hard part. Specific women that I’ve mentioned before. I’ve said these ladies are crossing boundaries that aren’t ok and so are you. It’s been the same ones for a couple years now.

As I continue to feel my heart ripped out of my chest I often wonder exactly how I’m going to survive this.

When you trust someone much and the key continually break your trust and then try to portray you as crazy it hurts.

This is my husband

This is my heart

This is my life

These are my 20 years invested in someone who continues to do nothing but hurt me more. I never in a million years thought he would portray me as bi-polar or schizophrenic.

Those words caught me off guard, and if he’s saying these things to my own parents what’s he saying to the people he works with? To his friends?

While I feel so lost right now and emotional and confused and hurt right now, and my children are a mess it seems as though he just keeps on keeping on.

So let me tell you something men, if your willing to lose someone who loved you so much just to make your ego feel better your going to regret it for the rest of your life.

How many times have we heard or even live this same fucking story in our own families?

Guy feels bad

Guy reaches out to woman

Woman strokes the man ego

Woman even writes your husband a love letter from God

The man says oh whoa is me?

My life… My Wife…

And at that very moment the Devil has won. It’s the lamest and old game in the book.

I’ve seen this play out a millions time with a million different people and even in our own families/

I’m here to tell you that it’s never ok to talk to the opposite sex about your marriage. It’s never ok to cross business and pleasure.

It’s also not ok to lie about it and it’s not ok to try to make your wife think she’s crazy while you continue to run around town and spread lies about her.

I never saw myself here.

I am crazy emotional right now because I NEVER in a million years thought my faithful husband would do these things.

Every single day there’s a new slap in the face. Every single day he says are you sure you want this? I love you Tavia!

And every single day I find another betrayal. I’m not crazy! I’m not bi-polar or anything else that he’s telling you. But I am a mess. I am hurt so deeply because I loved him with all my heart.

I gave him my everything, even when he wasn’t emotionally available, even when he messed up, even when I thought I couldn’t try again I did because I truly believed that man love me.

Now the thing that hurts the most is maybe he never did love me.

I’m going to be an emotional wreck I love with all my heart! I’m passionate about every relationship in my heart. I only wished that god was able to influence my husband instead of the devil that comes dressed as supportive women!

Please pray for me as I continue on this journey. Each new things I find threatens to destroy my inner peace and brings rage and hurt and pain and betrayal.

If you think I’m crazy you don’t know me. I am worthy of a faithful man. I am worthy of someone who chooses me every single day, and even though he’s still denying my pain it’s real and it fucking sucks.

The lesson in marriage he’s not yet learned. Running away is not the answer. God created your spouse for you. It’s not his fault the walls never came down.


11 thoughts on “The pain of a broken heart is real

  1. My heart goes out to you. Many thoughts are running through my mind; of course, many thoughts are running through your mind and you wrote a portion … the tip of the iceberg of what you know and feel.

    Two topics I have for you that I have been exploring. First, Adam and Eve … no, first Job.

    Sometimes God allows the cards to be played, allows satan to tempt and/or destroy … allows life to happen. Please don’t lose sight of God; He is the only one who saves and He certainly cherishes the relationship with you. Others are as they are; we are all called to be “perfect”and cannot make someone else be perfect … we have that solo journey even though we hope that we are able to partner with others.

    Partnering … makes me think of Adam and Eve. I feel like the words of the Bible make it sound like woman was made for man. We live in an age now when we all are very capable of being independent – though it is nice to have a companion. It is the power of three … two humans and God; we never fully know what goes on inside another’s head whether it is marriage, sex, business, church, spirituality, etc. We can only go where God leads us each individually, and if that includes a mission with another person or persons, then great. It is great to love deeply, as God loves us … even though it does not always – sometimes not often – make sense … our love, His love, others’ love. Regardless, we are tasked to LEAD with our heart and that is often a very lonely place, a place where we often wonder how we will be strengthened.

    My point is just this, Tavia … continue with your mission. Maybe that is all that I should say -if anything. I am sure God is working deeply with you.
    Again, may God bless you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Surely you deserve a faithful husband… His love failed to show up… Not that he doesn’t love you, but he failed to continue to let God love him… this is not your fault… Vent as you should and I pray God’s love reaches you and the healing process begins… Don’t look at no more evidence of the betrayal… One sin is enough… That will keep the pain going… Now turn the Love you offered him to yourself… be well and may the peace of God hold you

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I wanted to keep looking for evidence but every time I found it I was shattered again and again! I am no longer looking for the wrongs because I want to be free of the pain πŸ§šπŸ»β€β™‚οΈ thank you so much for your kind words and awesome advice keep me close to your prayers

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I agree wholeheartedly with the previous comments. No need to continue searching for new pieces of evidence since that will only deepen the wound. His betrayal is not your fault. You are not the one with the shortcomings. Keep yourself whole. Don’t let him take any of your soul with him. You are a strong, beautiful soul and no should take that from you. Maybe he is not strong enough to be a part of your bright promising future. Maybe God knew that. Sure, it hurts. But you have to trust that everything happens for a reason. You obviously have something much bigger waiting for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. As I read this my heart hurts for you. I am not married, but I know the pain of loving someone so deeply only for them to turn there back on you. For them not to see you anymore. I want to tell you that he did love you at one point and that he still does he is just lost and can’t find his way back. Satan has a good hold on him and is telling him lies. I will be praying for you and hope that he finds his way back to you and to our lord and savior. Just know god loves you and is always there for you!

    Liked by 1 person

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