When it comes to me and feelings it’s been a bumpy ride. I’ve always been a super emotional person, a die hard empath. But I haven’t always been able to share these feelings in a way that I could say I’m happy with.
In my twenties I was a little hostile and scrappy. I tended to let everyone know how I felt and it wasn’t always pretty. Those were the years when I really didn’t have a filter. And for those of you who know me now your probably thinking, you still don’t have a filter, and your absolutely right! But I promise you my lack of a filter has changed somewhat over the years!
I think because I was so out spoken in my 20’s, I spent most of my 30’s in a place of submission. And yes I mean for me it was submission.
When I got married I had never been a wife before, so I wasn’t sure of my role there exactly. I kind of have been learning as I go, and winging the rest.
But then ,I really started feeling a disconnect between myself and my heart. I loved many things about my life, and at the same time I was often left feeling powerless and victimized.
What was I doing, or what was I allowing in my life that wasn’t working for me?
Why did I often feel like I was a little girl trapped in my grown ass body?
What happened to my voice?
Why did I choose to silence it all together?
Does being a wife and a mother mean that I push all of my feelings aside in order to serve those that I love?
Do I have to play by other peoples rules?
Do I have to be silent because that’s my role in this family?
Do I get to make choices about my own family?
Will I always stand by silently?
I was so confused 🤷♀️
But I was also responsible for my feelings and for my role in these situations that left me feeling empty or alone.
I had to learn a new way, because this wasn’t working for me. And as I continued to learn and of course fall on my face, I was often confused. Every single time I thought I had a made a lot of progress, something else would occur and I would have to start all over again.
Fast forward to my 40’s which is the present day. (I’ll be 44 in a few short months)
And you will find me working diligently to create a new normal for myself and my family. I learned how not to play the blame game.
I realized how much power I was giving away to other people who don’t deserve it. I also learned that if you change nothing, then nothing will change.
There have been some intense moments of clarity that I’ve had over the last 5 years. But only because I took the time to get real with myself. And in the midst of the clarity came a shit ton of chaos. Because change is a beautiful thing, it’s not a pretty thing. In fact it can get quite ugly at times, as we begin to peel back the layers of ourselves.
I learned to ask myself a lot of questions. I’ve also learned about who’s feeling I’m responsible for and who’s feelings I am not responsible for.
This has been one of my biggest game changers. When you know who you are and you know what’s important to you, then you won’t argue that with anyone.
While I will debate many topics with you, my moral character is not up for discussion. I know who I am and what I want, and I also know that I’ll never stop growing.
For this is one of the many gifts that God bestowed upon me, and I will make sure that I share it with the world.
To all my lady friends out there no matter what your age is, you can learn a new way to experience life. 💜
It might be scary and uncomfortable, but you’ll survive I promise and you will live a more fulfilled life because of it!