You think your prepared for death, but I promise you your not 

This whole death thing is throwing me out of whack. 
Just when I think we’re good, someone else comes in and the emotions begin all

Over again. This is my momma and my sister and my niece and I. 

My grandpa loved chocolate so we decided to pay him a tribute with his Favorite candy, Hershey’s chocolate. 
I’m positive he was excited that we’re doing it! 

My grandparents had 5 kids. From these kids came 14 grandkids, and from

Those grandkids came 21 great grandkids, and there’s even great great grandkids. 

Now that’s a lot of people💜

My grandparents were the beginning of a legacy, that just keeps growing. 
The first day I went over after he died, it was the real factory of sadness. I walked in that house and the tears started flowing. There’s an overwhelming amount of sadness, that was lingering in that house. I could feel the entire family’s pain. 

The second day I went over, it was more light hearted, and lots of laughs were shared along with the tears. The mood was lighter, and the people brought with them happy stories. 

I met some new family members that day, and I enjoyed every second of it.
Yesterday when I went over the mood was back to somber and the energy was different yet again. When you have that many people who have so many emotions that are unshared things begin to take on a different energy. 
I can see when people are in their pain bodies, and I’m also thankful that I’m aware of what a pain body is. It helps me to understand that their words, or their actions are not necessarily their own. Sometimes the atmosphere is light and cheery, and sometimes I’m just waiting for the shit to hit the fan.
I was naive to how this was going to go. I had an idea in my mind and I’ll be the first to tell you that idea was completely wrong. (As are most ideas in my head)
Everyone has to deal with things their own way. With a family this big, there’s going to be hurts and dramas after all of these years. There’s going to be unspoken feelings that just might surface at some point over the next 3 days. 
However I’m going to sit back, and keep my mouth closed on many things. Because it’s not my dad, and it’s not my husband. I just want to be there for those I love the most. 
Whatever I can do to make it easier, then I will do just that. I have my own issues and feelings to deal with, and I will share those with my husband and kids, and they will help me get through.  
It’s real easy during a time of crisis to make things about ourselves. To feel the rejection and then to let it take us over, or the anger or the pain even. Sometimes we get so mad that we become the anger and it takes us over completely. 
I’m a writer, I’m a empath and I’m a lover. I will continue to use my platform as a healing mechanism for my heart. This is how I’ve learned to cope. This is how I’ve overcome years of avoidance. This is my real and it always will be.
I’m a person who chooses to love fiercely and you cannot do that without being vulnerable. I will continue to share with you what I’m going through, because I need to get it out. 
The only good thing about this is that I’ve been able to spend more time with those I love. Today is the viewing so I thought I should write this morning.
I’m going to keep my grand baby this morning and fill my heart with love, and that love right there will get me through the entire day. 
I’ve never had to be there for my mom when her dad died, and I’ll never have to do it again. So I’ll do what’s best for her and we will keep on keeping on! 
Peace friends wish me

Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4

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