Once upon a time there was a girl named Tavia. She was born into this world to a young mother. She had a dad, but he didn’t stick around. She blamed herself for everything. She thought she wasn’t good enough for anyone to love. She began to carry this hurt in her heart at a very young age. She learned what rejection was, and she knew that she was the cause.
As a little girl she often felt unprotected and unloved. She felt as though no one really put her first. She also felt as though she was a bother a lot of the time. She wanted to fit in and belong so badly, but just didn’t know how to do it.
She moved around a lot. There wasn’t just one place that she could call home. Sometimes she had a bedroom, and sometimes her mom made her a pretend bedroom. She knew that her mom loved her the best that she could, but she still felt afraid.
She didn’t have anything that she could depend on staying the same. Her life was always changing and she never had a say in it. The only thing that was consistent in her life, was chaos.
She grew up seeking love and approval from anyone she could get it from. She had 2 stepdads over the years. 1 of them kept the promises he made, and the other one caused her more pain, and more rejection. He helped her open up and learn some new things, he promised to love her, and to protect her.
She began to blossom, and to feel a little bit of stability in her life. She began to trust life again, because she was beginning to feel somewhat safe. She finally had a house that she lived in for many years. She finally had a family that wasn’t going to let her down.
She was beginning to see the world in a different way. She started to feel secure, and she grew some strength from this. Unfortunately, the step dad who had promised her the world, was suddenly taking it all back. Yet another man in her life, who threw her away. Another guy who taught her that she wasn’t worthy of the love she desired. Another person who caused her trust issues, another person who had lied to her. Another failure in her history with men.
She felt all of those unhealthy feelings arising in her again. She even felt some anger, at herself and towards others. Why was this happening again? Why couldn’t anyone just do what they say they are going to do? Why was she so unlovable? What did she do deserve so much rejection?
She carried this pain inside her for years. She tried to understand it, but she was too young to get it. She found herself feeling very alone again. She got pregnant the summer before her senior year of high school. She was afraid to tell her parents, she was supposed to be the first girl in her family to make it through high school without having a baby. She wanted to make them proud, but instead she continued the legacy of having kids too young.
She was disappointing everyone around her, and she knew that this was why she was unworthy of love. She realized, that this was why no one stayed. Why would they? She had nothing left to give. She was damaged goods, and there was nothing that could ever change that.
As soon as she graduated and was old enough to move out, she did just that. She took her baby, and she decided to make her way into the world. At this point in her life, the anger took control. It was how she survived the real world. It is what kept her safe, and it also kept everyone else at an arms length.
Nobody fucked with her because if they did, they were going to get stomped on, quite literally. She didn’t take shit from anyone at this age. She was full of spite, and she lashed out to keep herself safe.
She gave herself away to boys who didn’t deserve her, because she thought she could find love there. Unfortunately, it only made her feel more empty, and more alone. No matter what she did, she couldn’t escape herself. Although she tried desperately, it never worked.
Still through all of this, she had a heart of gold. She was faithful to the friends in her life, and she was able to finally make some lasting relationships. She moved to South Carolina because she needed to get out of Ohio. She needed a change, and she needed to blossom into the person she was meant to be. She couldn’t handle this small town, and their labels. She wanted to go somewhere where no one knew her, or her story. She wanted to start fresh, and she wanted to be independent.
She wanted to forget all about her stupid life and create a new one. She wanted to escape all of the pain, but somehow it stayed locked inside her. For some reason she couldn’t let it go. Her heart had been broken so many times, and her spirit was fragile. She turned to drugs and alcohol hoping to numb the pain a little bit more.
But yet again, these things only masked the pain, and then when it was over she was left with herself again. The pain never went away, she was always the victim of her own life. She met a boy there and fell in love with him. It was her first “real” relationship. It lasted 5 years, and while it started off wonderful, it ended in physical and mental abuse. The pattern continued, and she was yet again broken, abandoned, and alone.
She prayed every single night for a new life. She prayed that God would show her how to heal herself. She prayed that she could be strong enough to change herself, and to love herself for the first time ever. She felt desperate and alone. She never contemplated killing herself, but she very well could have because of the situations she kept putting herself in. She’s didn’t say I want to die, she said I want to escape. She said, make the pain go away. She said, make me forget how unlovable I am.
Clearly,I am the girl in this story. Today you will only here this first version of my
Story. This is not the story I tell
Myself today! But, this was the story that I carried inside of me for years.
If you’ve read my blogs, or you’ve been connected to me in anyway, you might be surprised to hear some of that stuff up there. You might wonder how that girl, can be the Same girl that encourages you daily. You might find yourself thinking that you never really knew me, and that’s ok! You can only know what I choose to share, you can only
Know what I want you to know.
But you can clearly see that someone broken, can become beautiful.
You can learn from my pain about your own pain.
And you can look forward to my new story.
Tomorrow I will share with you the story I tell
Myself now. I will show you how to rewrite it, and I will teach the power of vulnerability💜