It’s taken me a couple of days to process my feelings and understand where I am right now. How do I follow up on the last blog? Do I want to follow up on the last blog?
And the answer is yes! Yes I do! Since writing my last blog, I’ve received numerous messages, emails, texts and phone calls. Do you think I considered the good and the bad that would come from writing my story? I can assure you that I considered many different things, but the one thing that led me to write it was myself. If I had continued to worry about everyone else who might be affected by this, then I would be continuing the cycle of dysfunction. This is not about anyone else, it’s only about me, and I had to be brave enough to learn that lesson.
Recently there came a time when I learned that I was my own jailer, and I threw away the keys many years ago. This is not an easy thing to say or admit, because by all normal standards I was successul. I’ve been married only one time,to the same man for 16 years, I have a career that I love, and I am a mother, and a grandmother to some amazing souls. But you see my friends this is where it gets tricky. This is where you learn that you still feel ashamed. You learn that there are parts of you that need some attention. I wanted to explain what I mean to you by shame so that you can better understand me, and my story better. When I say I’ve carried shame around with me my entire life, it doesn’t mean that everyday I think about what happened to me. As a matter of fact, I could subconsciously not think about it for years. It wasn’t always there, it didn’t have that kind of control on me.
I consciously knew that I had to overcome this horrible experience, and my mind was just tricking my soul. My shame came in the form of denial and a confession at the same time. I denied that this had any affect on me or my life, but when I get really close to someone, it’s one of the things I felt I needed to tell them. It was like, if we’re going to be friends, you have to know my dirty little secret. I had to make sure that they would still want me in their life. I had to deny to myself, and confess to my friends. This shame could have ruined my marriage, if I’d didn’t choose to deal with it. It could sever relationships with my kids if didn’t give it the attention it needed.
Don’t feel bad for me that you didn’t know. Don’t take it personal or feel guilty, if you knew me or loved me and I didn’t share this with you. I was afraid, and I was ashamed, and I was in denial. I was always too worried about everyone else, and not worried enough about myself. That’s called co-dependency, and I feel like we’ve all experienced at some point in our lives.
I had a breakthrough recently, and that’s what brought this all on. I couldn’t love myself anymore until I dealt with this. So I went through the fire, and I cut through the flames. As much as I did this for myself, I also did this for my marriage and for my children. They all deserve the best version of me. I am already seeing the benefits of being free from shame. My home life has changed tremendously, because I was strong enough to do the work. My relationships with my children are blossoming daily, and the transformation in my soul has been freeing.
To all of the people who reached out to me and shared your own story, you are on your way to healing. To those of you who are to afraid to talk to me about it, it’s ok I understand. Feelings and healings are not for everyone, but they are for me. I am no longer a victim, I reclaimed my voice by sharing my story. I am strong, and beautiful, and I am not what happened to me. I am healed and freed from the burden I’ve carried. I have no more fear, and no more shame.
When I took down the walls of shame, an abundance of love came to me.
It came from some of the most unsuspecting places, strangers, and friends.
My story will continue to give others hope
My story will help others heal
My story will inspire you to find your voice
I am cray cray Tay Tay and I love my crazy, Wild, fun, faithful, free spirited self ⭐ I am grateful for the life I’ve been given , because it’s mine. I now hold the pen, and will continue to write this beautiful tale. Stay tuned for a happy ending