As I sit down to write this, my insides are shaking and my pulse is rising. My adrenaline is spiking because I’m afraid. What I’m afraid of is so many different things, but I must tell my story in order to move on. I can’t carry the shame around anymore. It’s one of the final walls around my heart. It’s one of the last things I need to deal with, but it’s so hard. It goes against everything I’ve been doing my whole life. I used to sweep the most important stuff under the rug, and hope that it will take care of itself, continuing on the dysfunction, because that’s what I’ve been conditioned to do.
When things happen to you as an innocent child, the world becomes different. The way you see life becomes shaded, and the way that you look at yourself becomes tainted. I know that I have this broken little girl locked inside of me, and she’s ready to be whole again. She’s ready to get rid of the feelings that she carries around with her, even if she’s afraid. If I’m being honest, I’m not even sure what it is that I’m afraid of. I think part of it is, that I don’t want people to look at me differently, or feel sorry for me. I don’t want them to pity me, because that would be awful. I told my husband many years ago about being sexually abused, but I never told him who it was. I reasoned with myself that this was to protect him, and also that it wasn’t important. But the more I look inside myself, to heal myself, the more I see that was part of the shame I carried with me. It was part of the denial, and it was part of what I needed to heal so desperately.
Some people would even say that this was normal behavior for children. They would lead me to believe that there was nothing wrong with it, and I carried this bit of guilt around with me too. Did I really cause this? Was this my fault? Is a 6 or 7 year old child even sexual yet? As an adult I know better, I live in denial no longer. When your older, age doesn’t matter as much, but when your little it means everything. I did not deserve what happened to me, but yet, I’m the one who’s carried the burden with me my whole life.
Years ago I learned my feelings didn’t matter. Years ago I lost that part of my voice, which is ironic because I love to talk. I’ve overcome so many obstacles in my life it’s crazy. But this one is going to be a great source of healing for me. This one is literally going to cause the greatest amount of love to enter my life. It’s going to release all of my old patterns and blueprints for survival. It’s going to help me let go of what I don’t need anymore, only by acknowledging the damage it has done to me.
I am awakening, I am healing, and I am the light and the love. I am brave for sharing my story. It’s how I’m going to heal completely. No more denial, no more shame, it’s time to listen to my own voice again.
One day, someone tried to rob me of my joy and my loving spirit. They violated me in ways that I didn’t deserve. I was an innocent child, and I was taken advantage of on many occasions. I don’t know who was supposed to keep me safe, but that wasn’t safe. I deserved to grow up feeling loved unconditionally and I grew up feeling jaded. I deserved to know childhood innocence, and I deserved to experience sex as a gift from God. I’m guessing at some point you were sexually violated, so you decided that it would be ok to do that to me. But I’m here to tell you, that was NOT okay! You were wrong, and I’m going to be the one brave enough to tell you that your wrong. I also want you to know that I never felt the need to violate anyone just because you did that to me. I guess that’s because I’m the stronger one, I’m the smarter one, and I am the one who broke the cycle. I did violate myself for years after that, with sex, and drugs and lots of crazy behavior.
But eventually I decided it was time to heal this. I don’t care if the perpetrator ever reads this. I think I’d be more comfortable if they didn’t. But this blog was never about them, it was about me. It was about my story that I lived and that I’ve carried with me forever. I am finally brave enough to find my voice and put it behind me. If you are a survivor of sexual abuse, you are an amazing soul. I’m here to tell you that it’s not your fault no matter what they say. You’ve been conditioned for denial, and for your silence, but I’m here to encourage you to tell your story in order to heal yourself.
Fear no longer resides here⭐the truth will set you free