Sometimes the darkest times of our lives, bring us to to the other side of our fear. We cannot go through the darkness, unless there is light on the other side. Even when I feel completely lost and confused, I know that I must quiet my brain, and get my heart to open up. It’s maddening at times and seeems nearly impossible. It’s so much easier to stay mad, or to stay hurt, or to play the victim. In the midst of finding myself, I sometimes lose myself. It’s like taking 3 steps forward, and then taking 2 steps backwards. It’s like the pain inside is fighting to stay alive. It’s so misguided and confusing, and it’s used to doing what it always does.
But I know that I am stronger then the pain I carry around. I know that it doesn’t define me as a person, and I know that sometimes I must have a complete breakdown, in order to achieve my breakthrough. What matters the most is that I’m always trying. I’m never giving up on myself, or quitting. I will fight for the life and the love that I deserve. I will continue to learn how to truly love myself, so that I can give the love that I want to receive. Sometimes we fight the lessons that we are supposed to be learning. We don’t even realize that our egos are in control, and not our hearts anymore.
There’s a shift that occurs in me, and it’s exactly like a light that gets switched on. I now when I’m communicating from my heart, because it feels exactly like Gods love. But then, there’s this other part of me,and she comes out when I feel the need to protect myself. She’s the part of myself I try to make peace with daily, she’s the one who protected me when there when was no one else to do it. She still lives inside me and I love her too, but I don’t always think I need her. I think she comes out when I feel as though I’m not being understood. She comes out when anyone tries to hurt me, and she jumps right in ready to fight off the world. She is a part of me, and she’s the part that needs more love, that needs to find the truth. I will always carry her around with me, but I would like to come from my authentic soul, not my childhood defense mechanisms.
I now that we as humans will continue to repeat the same mistake over, and over again until we learn the lesson that we are meant to learn. Sometimes you have to continue to work on yourself because that’s the only person that you can change. Sometimes you have to decide what’s working, and what’s not working, and then instead of running away, you have to find a way to heal what’s broken.
Defense mechanisms come in so many shapes and sizes, that people don’t even realize they are in defense mode. Anger, hostility, sadness, bitterness, aggression, passive aggressive, blame, shame, shutting down, running away, quitting, pointing the finger, yelling, contempt, ego, jealousy, and control all stem from fear. Wouldn’t it be amazing if we were able to leave all of those feelings behind us!? Or maybe not even leave them behind, but not let them control us. Wouldn’t it be a great feeling to get to a place of peace? Wouldn’t it be amazing to respond with love every time instead of fear and anger? These are my goals and I will achieve them. I will learn more about myself and in doing so I will be a better person, a better lover, a better communicator, a better friend. Life is always changing and that’s a little scary, but what’s even scarier is being exactly the same next month as you were this month.
I choose to look inside at myself, and ask the hard questions⭐
What could I have done differently? What am I responsible for? Where do I want the change to occur?
This blog is sometimes my diary and sometimes it’s my refuge. I learn the most about myself when I write, from the heart not from the brain. I will continue to look inside for the answers, where will you look?
If the voices in your head are real, then who is listening to them?