Saying goodbye, is not an easy thing 

Say hello to my kitty! She has blue eyes and a pink nose, and her name is pretty girl! (You must say that correctly to get the full affect, family members know it’s Preeeeeeeeeeeety Giiiiiiiiiiiiirl). She’s going to go to kitty heaven tomorrow and I’m a bit of a hot mess.  I never thought I would be a crazy cat person, and honestly I’m not at all, but this girl is different.  How she became ours is not your average story.  Many years ago, I worked out of an office in my moms house.   My little sister, KK, who was in middle school at the time got this kitty as her pet.  I don’t even know where she came from exactly, but I do know that she was KK’s.  But something weird was going on with this baby kitty, she didn’t like anyone but me. I’m not sure about the the time frame exactly, but eventually Kk told me to take the kitty home with me.  I rubbed it in that the kitty loved me, and I knew we had a special bond, I just didn’t know why.  And so began our journey of living with a cat.  If I had to choose a dog or a cat, I’m hands down a dog person every time.  But this girl had me wrapped from the beginning.  

Over the years she has remained the same fickle kitty.  She calls the shots, she makes the rules, and most people will tell you they don’t  even know that  I have a cat.  She stays to herself, unless its just my husband and I at home.  My son grew up in the same house as her, and he rarely saw her, let alone touch her. When I brought my daughter home from the hospital for the first time she got even more weird.  She didn’t like this new baby, and if I’m being completely honest, I don’t think Peyton has ever held our kitty once.  She’s not having it.  Years ago, when she was probably about 2, we had a card reader/preacher lady come to my moms for fun.  We all had out tarot cards read, and low and behold mine had something to do with my kitty.  She said pretty girl was my cat, in every former life I’ve lived.  I don’t know how I feel about those former lives, but there was no denying that this kitty had something special for me, and for me only.  And so we gave this kitty a home for the last 15 years.  We’ve loved her, been annoyed by her, and enjoyed her all at the same time.  Cats do their own thing, they aren’t here for us.  They are independent and stubborn, and they pretty much call the shots all of the time. They live in your home and they become the masters! 

Her quality of life has gone down hill the last couple of years.  She’s lots so much weight, when I pick her up I can hardly believe it’s the same girl.  Yes she  still eats, and she uses the litter box, but she’s not digesting her food anymore, and she’s started crying out as though she’s in pain.  I honestly kept hoping she would just pass away in her sleep, but that’s not happened yet.  I called the vet 6 months ago, asking questions about when it’s time to let her go.  I wrestle with this because I love her. I don’t want to put her to sleep if she’s not ready, and I don’t want to keep her alive if she’s in pain.  I finally made the call again this week.  We have an appointment tomorrow to send her to kitty heaven.  So like always, I turn to my blog, to write and to heal.  I am a hot mess right now! I know that this needs to happen. I realize that I’ve been holding on to her probably longer then I should have.  I don’t want it to get to the point where I have to carry her everywhere.  I don’t want her to be so far gone, that she starts peeing everywhere.  I don’t want my kitty to suffer anymore, and I don’t want to say goodbye either. But I’m slapping on my man pants for this one. I’m pushing past my selfish feelings and I’m going to do what I think is best for her.

I’ve been awake since 4:00 this morning because I cant sleep.  All of the pictures I shared today are from this morning.  I am trying to give her as much love as possible before tomorrow comes.  This is really hard, because it requires putting her needs before my own.  I’ve joked about her passing away for a couple of year now,  because that’s the easy thing to do. I’ve put it off until I can no longer ignore it.  I don’t want anymore kitty’s, I only had her because she was special.  She needed me, and she found me, and I loved her.  She is curled up beside me now, sleeping on the bed.  If I weren’t so strong, I could totally cancel this vet appointment when they open today.  I would hold on to her until she decided it was time to go, but I don’t really think that’s love.  I think love is doing the right thing, even though it’s not the easy thing.  I think sometimes love is letting go, and moving on. I think love is putting someone else’s needs before your own.  I think love says I see your pain, I hear your cries, and I’m going to help you.  I think we were pretty lucky to have her around for so long.  I think she was happy, and spoiled, and I think 15 years under the same roof with one family is a great life for a kitty.  

Tomorrow I will do what’s best for her, not what’s best for me.  She’s been mine for 15 years, I know her better than anyone. I know she’s not healthy. I now that she’s even become weirdly social the last 2 months.  She’s let people see her,  and touch her and I think that’s another sign that she’s going down hill.  I know that my kitty will be whole again, and I know that I will miss her. I know that she’s been loved, and I know that we are doing the right thing, but it’s not easy.

Tavia Hayduk

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s