Sometimes books come along, and they change us completely. How to raise an adult was that book for me. Why did I seek this book out? Because I have a 24 year old son and an 11 year old daughter and I want what’s best for them. I will be the first to admit that I used to think a different way, until this book and The Consious Parent. Check out Julie’s credentials and you will understand why she has her shit figured out. She meets these kids at the college level, and their parents are still doing all the talking for them.
What we think is,we’re doing things for our kids because we love them. What’s really happening is that we are robbing them of being able to do things for themselves. I know you love them so do I. The problem is that their life really has nothing to do with our feelings. But somewhere along the line, we got those 2 things all kinds of screwed up. We think a parent should make their life easy. We think we should wake them up every morning, make their breakfast, help or do their homework for them. We think we should serve them like maids instead of mothers. Just the other day my daughter had to go talk in front of the school board. She was explaining a project to them, and asking for money to fund the trip. My husband said to me that he wanted to go watch her, and did I want to go? The old me would have jumped all over that, the new me said “that’s what you want, let’s ask her what she wants.” It turns out she said, we would make her more nervous, so no we couldn’t go.
So she went and I’m sure she killed it. I’m positive her teachers picked her, because they see her capabilities. They believed and trusted in her, and she also believed in herself. Every time you find yourself saying I, when it has to do with your kid stop and ask yourself who it’s really about. If you really love your kid, then your going to put their feelings before your own. She didn’t want us there, and we respected that, because we respect and love her.
We all have things from our childhoods that we take with us on our parenting journey. Examples:
- My parents spanked me, so I’m not spanking my kids.
- My parents never helped me with my homework, so I help my kids.
- I wasn’t aloud to date until I was 16, my kid can date whenever they want.
- My parents yelled, so I never raise my voice.
- We never ate dinner together, so we always eat dinner together
There’s a theme up there. It’s I, me, and we. None of those things have anything to do with your kid. Your child does not have the same life you had, they don’t have the same parents you had. Their lives are nothing at all like yours. The sooner you realize this, the better off your child will be.
Back in the day people had kids just so they could work on their farm. Now a days people have kids and they try to clear the way for them. They try to smooth out the rough patches, instead of teaching them how to deal with tough things. When I was a kid, if the principal would have called my parents, my ass would have been in big trouble. But now a days, if the principal calls a parent, there’s a really good chance the parent might end up in The office. They will fight for and defend their child, thinking this is what a parent does. Meanwhile, the child is getting the message that they can’t do anything for themselves. Yes it’s true, the proof is out there walking around right now, lost and confused because we didn’t teach them how and where to get self worth.
We the parents are responsible for the entitled generation, they didn’t just grow up and become entitled one day.
Your kids need to learn to be responsible for themselves. They need to feel like they can accomplish things on their own. They need independence and freedom, and they don’t need you micromanaging every bit of their life. There are helicopter parents everywhere. I was one trust me, I even hung the grade card on the fridge, and posted it on social media. If your kid succeeds, or fails it’s still has nothing to do with you. Your not running for student senate, they are. It’s not you who made the football team, it was them. Your kids are going to grow up sooner then you think. Make sure your giving them what they deserve, not what your broken self needs.
There are plenty of healthy things you can still do with your kids. Just read the book and figure it out, because they are so worth it. You want to work yourself out of a job. You want them to be able to think, and to trust themselves to make decisions. You want them To be strong and independent, not weak and afraid.
When kids are given freedoms and choices, they tend to make a world of difference. Stop doing things for your kids that they can do for themselves. Yes, I still want to pack my daughters lunch, because it makes me feel needed, but it’s not about me. So I stopped making her lunch and she does it herself. Every once In a while I still do it, but only randomly and not often. Your kids need you to believe in them, Not send them the message that they need you for everything they do.
I say learn something from this, and take it, and use it in your house. There will be lots of people who think this outrageous, and that’s ok, because I used to be you. But not anymore, I love my kid more then I love my needs and wants for her.
Feel free to share this if you found it helpful! You got this parents! 💕