An open letter to my family and friends during mentalpause (menopause)

Thank you
I start this one off with a thank you from yesterday.  Hopefully you will see I’m still grateful at the end of this.  I never thought that losing my hormones would be like this.  I used to look at women who had hot flashes and judge them.  I thought they had to be exaggerating, I mean come on how bad can it seriously be? 

It started off a few years ago with the peri-part.  I didn’t even know what was happening then. I knew I wasn’t sleeping, but I didn’t know why.  I knew that I felt irrational at times and so crazy that I couldn’t stand myself.   I went to my family doctor and he said let’s try trazadone, I said ok, but it didn’t work. He said let’s try ambien for a week, it didn’t work either. At this point, I just said forget it, I will deal with this on my own and figure it out.  And then it all just went away for a while. I slept again and I was normal. 

Fast forward 3 years, at this point I haven’t had a period in 6 months (if me talking about my period makes you uncomfortable, please hit the close button and don’t open up anymore of my blogs, woman bleed it’s normal and I’m not going to feel bad for talking about it, suck it up Sally). This parts exciting right? Woot woot yes, I like this.  What I didn’t know then was that when you quit your monthly, your shits about to turn wacky.  I was so excited not to deal with the yucky part, that I had no clue what was about to hit me.

When your pregnant, you know in 9 months it will be over.  When you have your period, you know it’s going to end.  Now that I have this, I feel no comfort because they say it could go on for years.  Are they serious? Years? I feel like that parts a sick joke.  My doctor says everyone’s different, and since my mom and grandma both had hysterectomies I don’t have anything to compare it to.

The people all say the same thing to me “your to young for that”, I always reply with “tell my ovaries that!” There are days when I feel completely normal and I couldn’t be happier.  Then there are days when I have 4o hot flashes.  I actually have broken blood vessels in my face from these little fuckers.  I was so wrong to judge those ladies, it’s as horrible as they made it seem.  I feel it start in my belly first, and then it permeates up through my chest.  Next my face becomes so red, I look like I’m drunk. My forehead starts to shine and glisten with sweat, while the back of my neck Is drenched.  (Hot flashes are 300x worse when your exercising and your already hot, and when you blowing dry your clients hair, I have to turn it off and walk away for a minute)

At this point I feel like taking all my clothes off and jumping in the freezer, but it won’t last long, because I will be freezing in a few minutes once this passes.  I asked the doctor why I don’t have any sex drive.  He said if you were a man, it would be the equivalent to chopping off your testicales.  I was sure to share that part with my husband. I have always  been a very sexual person.  I love sex with my husband and now this is gone for the time being.  How can something that was so important to me, just disappear and vanish.  Of course we still have sex, it’s just not the kind I’m used to.  (I understand now why they did a live play called the vagina monologues)
So we have these crazy hot flashes, we have zero sex drive, we have these stupid night sweats and my Fitbit says I’m restless 56 times a night! Are you freaking kidding me right now? When I have 36 times restless I feel like I slept like a baby.  I have to wash my sheets all the time  now, because I smell different when I sweat. I wake up and think what is that smell? And its me! I used to be able to the difference between my husbands pillow and. One, because his was always sweaty.  Guess what, I can’t tell the difference anymore.

There are days when I feel pure evil inside me, I know I’m talking nonsense and I can’t even stop it.  (I am able to feel this better now, so I will send my family away for the day, because I don’t want to hurt them with my vile words) My husband tries to be supportive, he’s read a few articles about it, so he can understand better.  (A lot of people get divorced at this time in their life because they can’t handle it)  Its a hard thing to deal with when it changes so rapidly from day to day.  

I don’t always feel evil, sometimes I feel sad and I could cry all day.  I feel like I’m all alone and no one could possibly understand.  My daughters getting her hormones, and I’m over here losing mine and losing my shit at the same time. Everyone has an answer and advice, but everone is different as I explained before.  Lots of people use hormone creams to help them get through this, but that’s not an option for me. My mom had estrogen driven breast cancer, so I’ll suck it up I’d rather have hot flashes then cancer.  

In the beginning when I wasn’t sleeping it was ok.  Now I’m about 8 months into this, and instead of just feeling tired, I’m starting to look tired. (My friends say you don’t look tired, my real friends say you don’t look THAT tired lol) Brain fog is something I have never had.  I have always been able to make a decision and to get it done.  Now I find myself wondering around Wal-mart for 30 minutes and not even knowing why I’m there.  My husband asks what’s for dinner, and if I’m being honest I haven’t  even thought about dinner, and I really don’t care what we have.  I’m unable to make up my mind about anything.  Or maybe I just don’t have the energy it would take to focus.  Before all this I was unfocused, but this part of being unfocused is like totally different.  

I could be having a conversation with my friend and right In the middle of it, I don’t have a clue who the hell were talking about.  It’s like I have Alzheimer’s for a second.  The short term memory is completely fried and gone.  Are all of these things from lack of hormones, or are they from lack of sleep?  Will I survive walking around in a body I don’t know?  Or is tomorrow the day that I feel like myself again? I try to laugh at myself most of the time, because it makes easier. I try to make light of the situation that controls my whole body right now.  

I’ve literally spent over $200 on all natural things to help me sleep and to help with hot flashes.  None of them have worked so far. I don’t know how long this will last, or when  I will feel like myself again.  So to my husband, thank you for giving me some room to breath during this time.  Yes there are times when my hormones are raging, and I apologize. Then there are other times when my hormones have nothing to do with why I am upset with you.  Please don’t use this against me because I feel as lost as you must feel, wondering who this woman is. The only difference is that I can’t escape myself.

Thank you to my friends for understanding.  Every Time you let me interrupt your story because I’m going to forget what I have to say. I appreciate your grace with me, and with my annoying hot flashes.  I couldn’t survive this without having you guys to vent to.  You might think I’m the one helps you and gives you advice, and this is true. But I want you to know how much you guys help me. 

I will survive this part of my life, because I have no other choice.  I just might not be the girl your all used to. But you know if you just wait a few days then I’ll be back. I hope this helps you understand me better. I hope this helps a man understand where his wife is coming from. I hope this helps another woman know she’s not alone, and I hope it help whoever needs to hear it.

I know writing this helps me

This to shall pass (let’s hope it’s in a couple years and not in 10)

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