Today I’m going to write to you about forgiveness. I’ve been married to my husband for 15 years. That in itself is something that doesn’t happen very often these days. Marriage can be the best thing in the world at times, and at other times you find yourself thinking is this worth all the work? It’s easier to be single, because being single requires satisfying only one persons wants and needs. What about when you have 2 peoples needs and wants?
There are times when I look at my marriage and I think I’m the luckiest girl alive. Then there are times when things go wrong, and it seems like we can’t move forward. I read a book a few years back called the 4 seasons of marriage, They were of course, summer, fall, winter and spring. In the summer everything’s good and amazing and in the winter you can’t seem to do anything right. The other 2 fall in between somewhere.
I can’t speculate on what goes on in other marriages, but I can be honest and share what goes on in mine. I think what happens is that sometimes we get into routines, and maybe our marriages are not a priority. I think sometimes our marriages get put on the back burner, and they might tend to fizzle out. I think marriage is 2 broken people, trying to get it right but not knowing how. I think there are times when I feel so in love I could just scream it from the roof tops, and then I think there are times that I feel so alone, I don’t know how I could possibly have a spouse.
Since the book says this is normal, and the case with every marriage, then I would say we are in the fall. Which is kind of ironic since it’s really fall. I’m also glad to know that every marriage goes through the same thing that ours go through. I believe God sends us the perfect match. The one who is supposed to heal all of our broken pieces. He gives us the one that we need to heal and to grow emotionally and spiritually.
This might mean that we have to take down some walls that we have built. They are there for different reasons, but we both have them. Our job is to figure out why they are there, and how we are supposed to help remove them. There are times when I feel so hurt, and misunderstood that I want to quit. I want to give up and walk away because that’s what’s easier. But then there are times when I feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world. I couldn’t be happier with my life and my marriage. I look at my husband and I wonder how in the hell I got so lucky.
There’s a certain type of marriage that I desire. It’s the kind where we are each other’s biggest fans. It’s the kind where we can listen without being defensive. It’s the kind where he’s my best friend and my biggest confidant. It’s the kind of marriage that we didn’t have modeled for us growing up. So we learn what we don’t want, and what we do want from the same life experiences.
If I take all of my knowledge and I put it together I come up with this. When times are hard, they don’t last forever, They come and they go, just like the good times. But what I feel during those times of hurt, is often the little girl inside me who was hurt. I also see in my husband a hurt little boy who comes out. We put up defense mechanisms in our lives to survive. When we are triggered by our spouses these feelings seem to intensify. We feel more hurt, because of our life situations.
I wanted to write this because I choose honesty. I choose transparency, because I believe in the truth. Marriage can be the most amazing thing, and at the same time, it can be the most draining thing. When we are not on the same page, it’s because our love tanks are empty. It’s because we are not spending enough time on us. It’s because we’re to busy making a living, to give it that care and love that it needs.
Forgiveness is a funny thing. I’m not sure I really believe in it per say. If we choose to forgive, were really choosing to let go. We are choosing not to stay in the place that keeps us safe from the hurt. It’s often times easier to stay mad, because that means we’re right. If we choose to forgive and move on, it has nothing to do with what our spouse did. It has everything to do with being brave and forgiving. It has to do with letting go, instead of holding on, and those things my friends are for us and us only.
If you want a real challenge, try living with someone for 17 years. I mean really living with them and creating the marriage of your dreams. It’s a lot of work, but in the end it’s so worth it. If we don’t heal ourselves, we will take our hurts with us to the next relationship, and the cycle will continue. So I choose love, I choose my marriage over myself and I know that it will work out.