Daddy Issues????

Abandonment comes with so many things that we never asked for. I’m 42 years old and my biological father is now deceased. I have very few memories of him and those that I do have are not good ones.  
It took me years to even acknowledge that his lack of presence has played a number on my soul. I was not the girl with Daddy issues, I didn’t even want him as my dad. As a matter of fact, I spent many years not thinking about him at all.
I wasn’t a victim to him, he was just nothing to me. I guess it was easier to pretend that part didn’t exist, then it was to deal with the hurt it caused. But, I couldn’t be hurt if I shut that part of me off could I? That was a defense mechanism I learned when I was younger that helped me survive the pain.  
You see I never admitted the pain, because I really didn’t think it existed. I was in denial and I didn’t even know it. How could I care about someone I didn’t even know, and how could I feel rejection from someone who was never there? 
I realize now I put up some serious walls around my heart, but I still had the ability to give love. When we choose to love again, we are also putting ourselves out there for hurt and rejection again. We are saying ok I guess I will try this again. I went through the stages of being promiscuous and looking for love in all the wrong places. I gave away parts of myself to people that I didn’t even have to give.
I was crazy in my twenties, but you know what, I have no regrets! I love that wild child. I loved my no nonsense attitude. I would cut you right out of my life if you wronged me, because by then I’d learned the importance of trust and respect. I was confident, and strong and I was brave! (At least on the outside)
I moved half way across the country with my son and a friend because I wanted an adventure. I like to say I was finding myself. When you grow up in a small town, you seem to get labeled. I had to get out of there and decide who I was for myself and not who the town thought I was.
I met my best friend Lajla when I moved there, and 20 years later we are still going strong. I also met my husband there. He’s from Ohio, and I’m from Ohio, but we would have never met in Ohio. He actually moved in the apartment above mine in South Carolina and that’s how we met.
Now that I’ve learned how to heal myself, and love myself better, I’m thankful for the rejection. I would not be who I am without it. My life would be so different and I wouldn’t want that at all. I understand now that he could not give me something that he didn’t have to give. I forgive him, and I forgive myself.  
There are certain triggers that can cause me pain from the past. Like when I trust someone and they hurt me, I take it very personal. I’m not sure if I’m mad at them for wronging me, or if I’m mad at myself for trusting them. Either way I recognize this and am working on it. I work on myself every day, that’s part of why I write to you. I want to help you, and in doing so I help myself.
If you’ve been rejected in your life, I want you to know I understand. I feel the pain you carry around with you and I sympathize with what your going through. I sometimes struggle with those old emotions too, but then I remember they are not true. I remember that my life is exactly the way that it should be.  
I even managed to marry an amazing, faithful, understanding, loving man, who has helped heal the broken parts of me. I’ve also helped him heal some broken parts too. It has not always been easy, but it has always been worth it! 
We all have something deep inside us that we carry around with us to protect us. I hope my story encourages you to let go and begin your journey in healing and love.
Turn your hurt into healing and transform yourself with your own story💕


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